(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
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You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]