Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
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then why did i get this email
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
What kind of a cult is this?
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions