*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
You Might Also Like
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Worlds greatest photobomb
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin