Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
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My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.