Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
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-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.