[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
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I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
*puts cutlery down*
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.