[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
You Might Also Like
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
I bet birds love this building.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”