Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
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Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
My last name is Zilla.
I’m good, thanks.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
presenting your incognito window wrapped
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.