@Kendragarden: Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
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@GoldenSpirals: Walks up in da club like "Has anyone seen my Mom? She'll be the one trying to cover up everyone's cleavage."
@StickyickyBuns: My mom always told me to treat people how I want to be treated but... It's not nice to just spank people & pull their hair.
@funnyordie: BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker? RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn't know him. He goes to another Olympics. #LochteGate
@themorris23: Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this: The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.