@Kendragarden: Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
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@Gre_Gone: [Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor] Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself. Wife: Me: Will you ki Wife: I'm not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
@iamspacegirl: friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you'd stick to the registry. me *crestfallen*: you don't like the jukebox of screams?
@Discourt: For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
@bullfrog_1979: Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!