[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
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Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Did my cat write this
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.