@isabelzawtun: Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling "PUNCH IT" when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
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@ArfMeasures: [Me as a babysitter] ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out HER: My son is Robert ME: We have 2 problems
@gojarbe: me: wanna see my cat's shed? friend: lots of cats shed. why would-- [my cat enters wearing a tool belt] cat: show him the gazebo, too
@underchilde: I’m just going to keep telling people they’re pretty until someone offers to pay for my laser eye surgery.
@clindsaysway: An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It's a wonder children can sleep at all.