Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
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[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
me adding lol on a serious message
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
This classic never gets old . . .