[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
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Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
So that’s what we looked like?
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement