Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
You Might Also Like
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn