[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
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At least my masseuse has my back.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house