[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
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Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
japanese corn
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.