[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
You Might Also Like
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.