Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
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Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
me when i see my girls butt
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
The USS B port
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Haha good job!!
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.