Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
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I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
pelicons
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
No way!
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2