@lovemydogduck: Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I'm doing. And now I'm sitting outside of H.R.
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@abbycohenwl: Bring an urn speed dating. Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, "I don't know, Mom: should I tell him?"
@chimneyspotter: I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as "when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink"
@amydillon: Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
@EndhooS: [Watching boxing] Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!