Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
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Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down