*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
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Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.