Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
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“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Thrilling chase underway
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Dolls on drugs
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.