Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
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“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.