To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
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DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando