[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
You Might Also Like
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito