[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
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Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.