Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
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This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
What if all the cashiers are married?
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*