@JonasPolsky: Getting white carpet installed, then inviting everyone over for a spaghetti sauce and red wine party.
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@stephenjmolloy: Marriage counsellor: What's the problem? Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad. MC: And how do you feel, Stephen? Me: With my hands.
@flashember: GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks? SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
@scottthetwat: Drug sniffing dogs are wrong 80 percent of the time. You would be too if you were sniffing drugs all day.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. "We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle."