I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
You Might Also Like
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
rapatouille
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again