Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
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obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.