Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
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My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
normalize having existential bread
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?