#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
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Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Sooo many times…..