[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
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Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here