[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
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Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye