My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
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Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
multitasking lunch
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*