GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
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Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
So creative 😂
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style