*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
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Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.