GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
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Become ungovernable.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats