Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
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the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.