[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
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[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer: