[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
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Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.