[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
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“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
My dad is at it again
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.