gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
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This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
“Theirye’re” problem solved
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game