Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
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*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.