[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
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Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science