GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
You Might Also Like
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Best table by far
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00