GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
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When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.