@Shot_Of_Cabo: She: Why don't we ever have sex anymore? Me: What's this "we" shit? I'm having plenty.

@KalvinMacleod: ME: There's no i in team but there is one in pizza WIFE: so you’re not going to share ME: I am not going to share

@UnFitz: It's called "personal grooming" as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.

@noog: I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.

@iscoff: [Guy on the Death Star who's really sick of hearing Vader's breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I'm going to put on some music