GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
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[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.