GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
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NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.