I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
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Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.