Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
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When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
That’s easy for you to say
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.