GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
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PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Children of the corn 🌽
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
<- sleeps well with others
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*