GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
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[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.