“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
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Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
If a snake ate a cake
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free