GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
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To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
I am yelling
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering